Grieving the Loss of a Spouse, Husband, Wife Or Life Partner

Losing a spouse is a devastating experience. Our friend, our partner, our soul mate is now gone and we are lost. It feels as if a part of us has died as well. In my practice, helping individuals deal with the loss of their partner was a common occurrence. Young or old, surviving spouses had an equally difficult time adjusting to this reality.

Older couples had usually talked about losing one another and had some inkling of how this would affect them. Younger individuals were never prepared, unless their deceased loved one was involved in some dangerous kind of occupation. In a few cases, couples came to see me when one of them had recently received a terminal diagnosis and had only months left to live.

In my family, my dad lost our mother when she turned 75. They had over 50 years of marriage together during which her health had often been in question. We had all been forewarned of this eventuality. Despite that, my father went through a rough few years after her passing. He was hurt and angry and showed his feelings in extreme ways. He withdrew from his usual activities and grew sullen. We children spent as much time as possible with him. Because there were 6 of us, he usually had someone around to talk to.

One of my younger sisters lost her husband in 2004. He died of cancer at age 55. She was 48 at the time and they had been married for 27 years. They had one daughter, aged 25. This was a devastating blow for my sister. When the diagnosis came he was given 6 months to live. My sister nursed him as his health steadily declined. Again, we siblings rallied and spent as much time supporting her as possible, given we all lived in different cities.

After her husband passed my sister went into a depression and took a leave of absence from her workplace. At my insistence, she eventually joined a grief group and sought out a therapist in her area. She had so much of her life invested in her husband; she could barely function after losing him. She eventually returned to work on a part-time basis, always hoping she could increase her hours to full-time status. That never happened. Last year she finally decided to accept early retirement and that's when her recovery really began. Today she is dating again, working part-time and enjoying her daughter and son-in-law who married a year after her husband passed.

Although there appears to be some major differences in their adaptation to loss, both my father and sister truly struggled with their grieving process. In our family, dealing with feelings was never modeled as a healthy and functional pursuit. Lashing out at loved ones and crying uncontrollably was more the order of the day. It took me 10 years of professional psychology training to learn the healthy forms of emotional expression, forms that I imparted to my clients when helping them deal with the loss of their partner.

This approach to grief healing and grieving a spouse came in part from rejecting the unhealthy modeling I received in the home, to be followed by adopting the healthy forms of safe emotional expression that were part of my training. Dealing with feelings and emotions through journaling, group work and talking to a grief counselor is the key to healing grief of any type.

In the initial stages of the grief experience, this is difficult to adopt because most individuals are in a state of shock. No amount of good advice will register at this time. And some individuals try and hang on to their deceased spouse for months and years after the event. They live their lives in a constant state of tension which unconsciously they are refusing to release. Healing cannot occur until one chooses the healing path and commits to it. Therapists, books and other resources will have no effect until the grieving individual decides they are ready to let go of their loved one and allow their recovery to begin.

When you're ready, healing can begin in earnest. You will find all the resources and supports you need to navigate this journey. Until that choice is made, no expert, book or other resource can reach you because you are closed off from help. Mind you, this was not a conscious choice on your part, but more of a protective survival strategy that we all adopt when dealing with any emotional blow. When faced with a devastating loss, we typically close ourselves off to try and minimize the emotional pain.

Healing grief requires that we become vulnerable again. We have to feel the pain of that loss before we can move on. That's when reaching for help and guidance will have the greatest benefit. We are ready to deal with our grief wound now, and we have accepted that professional help in the form of books, support groups and counseling, are essential to managing what we have to face.

Maurice Turmel holds a PhD in Counseling Psychology. He was a practicing therapist for nearly 25 years providing counseling and therapy to individuals, groups, organizations and families. He is the author of "The Voice - A Metaphor for Personal Development"; "Mythical Times - Exploring Life, Love & Purpose"; and "How to Cope with Grief and Loss - Support, Guidance and Direction for Your Healing Journey". He has been a guest on numerous regional television and radio talk shows and hosts his own radio shows on live365.com/drmauriceturmel and on BlogTalkRadio.com

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Grief and Loss Counseling - How to Cope With the Death of a Loved One

Have you ever experienced grief so unyielding and persistent that there seems to be no end? The most familiar feeling mourners experience is being unable to find the confidence to face change, not enough dependable information to help cope with their loss and more importantly, not able to find a caring and understanding support group. These emotions may not be unusual for some grievers. There is a logical reason for this--before, educating people about how to deal with loss is almost non-existent. That, until a true major loss happens. Then the search begins when there comes a time when the emotional pressure of pain and stress rise on high levels.

But you know what, it's never really that late to explore those proven ways to cope with loss as long as you hold on steadfastly to your faith. And to discover that there's a wide extent of normalcy among grief and loss reactions and that in spite of your pain, you can still attain peace of mind by confronting those overwhelming emotions.

1.) You can begin the grief and loss counseling by thinking that it is just but normal and a practical thing to seek out the advice and comfort from others. Do not let pride get in the way and try reaching out with relatives and friends who have suffered the same loss and how they coped with grief.

Ask questions and analyze the advantages and disadvantages of those answers, because there are just so much to learn there. You could then decide afterwards if you want to apply what you have heard or simply let it go.

2.) There were some negative myths about mourning that are very common. Here are some examples of those: grief just affects the emotions; that crying is just a sign of weakness; you should get over it in just a few weeks; you would be back in your old self once again; you're supposed to let go of the person who died.

Bear in mind that some beliefs carry a strong effect on one's behavior oftentimes without you being aware of it. It is at your own indulgence to dismiss such unhelpful beliefs.

3.) Be open and willing in joining a grief support group. Part of your grief and loss counseling is knowledge. And by joining this, knowledge will be abundant. You could learn so much from other grievers who are at various levels of their mourning. Also, those in sorrow seldom realize that aside from the major loss that they suffered, there are also some secondary losses that need to be considered.

Joining a group gives you a sense of belonging that you are not alone in this painful journey. Seek advice and be open in talking about your feelings because there is this invisible connection that bonds you together in sympathy.

4.) Have an appointment with a grief counselor. Find a professional who acquired extensive experience and counseling load that specializes in grief and loss counseling. Do not just visit any counselor. Write up queries before going. The Association for Death Education and Counseling (www.adec.org) is another good resource for grief counselors in some areas.

The author of this article Amy Twain is a Self Improvement Coach who has been successfully coaching and guiding clients for many years. Amy recently decided to go public and share her knowledge and experience through her website http://www.innerzine.com You can sign up for her free newsletter and join her coaching program.

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